Bedroom vs. Lifestyle

sub shot candles

I’ve been asked in recent weeks why, as a submissive, I enjoy things like being forced to lick a dom’s feet, being whipped to the point of bleeding, having needles threaded through my skin for hours at a time, walking ten paces behind a dom, only speaking when directly spoken to…..

I don’t know whether to laugh at these questions, or feel shocked at the lack of knowledge so prevalent in the vanilla community. On the other hand, the part of me that wants to educate those who feel like BDSM or lifestyle submission might be something they’d like to explore.

Here’s the thing: I’m a submissive, but I am a bedroom submissive I am not a lifestyle submissive, nor am I into torture. There’s a difference between the two, and there is so much misinformation out there.

Being a bedroom sub means that I am completely submissive to my dom during play time. It does NOT mean that I’m not allowed to choose my own dinner or to only speak when spoken to. Nor does it mean that I have no boundaries when it comes to the type of submission I’m willing to endure. We have a safe word. And we have “hard limits,” as that ridiculous book/movie would say. He or she can tie me up, tie me down, blindfold me, spank me, use a paddle, and many other things. I enjoy some pain, and I enjoy being dominated. It’s about what both of us enjoy, what brings both of us the most pleasure. It’s about pushing the boundaries and being willing to step outside of them, within limits that have been set in place prior to engaging with each other.

What being a bedroom sub does not mean is that I am a bad feminist, or that I am comfortable with my sexual kinks leaving the bedroom and entering the outside world. I am sexually submissive, not submissive in general. Many people who are not in the lifestyle are surprised that a woman with as strong a personality as mine would allow themselves to be bossed around in the bedroom.  But the psychology of submission is an entirely different post, about which this post is definitely not.

Being a lifestyle submissive is a completely different story, although it still does not make the female sub someone who sees no value in feminism, nor does it make a male dom or sub disregard women’s rights. A lifestyle sub is willing to serve their dom in and out of the bedroom. It is, literally, a part of their life, including the household dynamic and actions and behaviors both inside and out of the house. It’s a lifestyle choice, choice being the operative word.

There should, of course, be open communication between the sub and the dom outside of their roles (I am by no means implying that a 24/7/D relationship is roleplay, nor am I using the word to diminish the relationship). Both parties have to continue their outside lives, like going to work and meeting other commitments. And compatibility is a huge factor in any S/D relationship, bedroom or lifestyle. Each party is giving so much of themselves to the other and expecting so much in return (yes, submissives have their own expectations). Saying “we’re both kinky so we’re definitely compatible” is the best way to fall into the trap that many a sub has tripped into. Trust and respect are necessary in any relationship. Lifestyle submission is not slavery.

Then there’s sadism.

I’ve never been involved in a relationship that involved sadism and masochism, and I don’t know a whole lot about the subject (anyone who is, please feel free to comment on this post to enlighten me as well as my readers). I wouldn’t pretend to explain this kink with any kind of depth, because it would only be crap I looked up on Google, and it would not do justice to the subject. What I do know is that sadism/masochism may involve blood play (which I engaged in with my last dom, but only the sharing of blood, not cutting me so that he could drink),  scarification, whipping, and other  acts that cause serious pain and leave permanent marks. It may also involve humiliation to the sub, suspension, needle play, scat (a completely different subject on its own), and other forms of torture. It includes many things that cause what many people who engage in vanilla sex probably find horrifying, but which give great pleasure to the sadist as well as the masochist. However, I must state again that both parties are consenting adults (or should be, but, again, that’s another post), and both parties enjoy either giving or receiving these things. It’s not about rape, as so many people like to tell me it is.

Some 24/7/D relationships, as well as bedroom relationships, may or may not incorporate some sadism/masochism into their play. Many do not. But the incorporation of pain into these relationships does not mean that the relationship  is sadistic or masochistic.

As I said, I am not an expert on sadism/masochism, so I’m really not comfortable delving into any more detail on the subject. If you are familiar, please contact me and I will either invite you to write a guest post or work with you to write a post of my own (with credit to you, if you so desire). But I do know the differences in all three kinks.

Most of you know that I am all about spreading knowledge about sexual kinks and what they do or do not mean, which is why I wrote this post. I encourage you to disseminate the knowledge contained herein to educate those who are curious about them but do not understand the differences. Because I feel like, as long as these misconceptions are as prevalent as they currently are in  the vanilla community,  the longer those of us who embrace kink as part of their sexual preference will continue to be looked upon as freaks.  And please understand that, when I say “vanilla,” I am in no way mocking those who do not engage in kink – although I’m pretty sure that most of those relationships include at least some kinkiness  – but it’s the best word I know at the moment to describe that type of sex. I would never try to diminish the importance of anyone’s sexual preference.

So please, try to educate. It’s important that we are not ashamed of or forced to keep silent about what is an integral part of us. The more knowledge people have regarding sexual preferences, the less shame becomes attached to it for all concerned. Knowledge is power, and what hides in the dark dies in the light. Ignorance dies in the light.


Elust Baby!

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Photo courtesy of Aurora Glory

Welcome to Elust 93

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #94 Start with the rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!


~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

A dress to die for

Pushing Past



~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Kink lite, Kink life


~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

The Contract

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!


Erotic Fiction

The Contract
Speaking Truth to a Submissive Heart
Subjugate U

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Jerking off to be banned under Texas bill
That Time Steve Bannon Destroyed Me
How to program a sex robot

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Effortless Connections & Harmonious Energy


A Love Affair, From A to Z: “A” – Always
Scouting: A Lusty Limericks

Erotic Non-Fiction

Conflict(ed) part 2
It’s All About The Feet
Oral Birthday Fun ~ The Glorious Sixty-Ninth!
I Will Do…
The subtle threesome


Eroticon 2017 – I Herd U Lieks It

Body Talk and Sexual Health

photo shoots past and future
Elust 88

Tie Me Up/Tie Me Down

I was recently asked what I find so exciting about being submissive in bed. The question kind of took me by surprise, because it’s never really occurred to me to ask it of myself. It’s just always been a part of my sexuality, just like being bisexual has always been a part of my sexuality. It’s just there, and I have always assumed that, like my bisexuality, it was just a part of my erotic makeup. So I’ve never actually though about why that is. It just is.

But the question has stuck with me (it even inspired me to start this blog), so I’ve spent several hours in recent days giving it some serious thought.

I prefer my encounters to be with like-minded adults who are willing to explore their boundaries – and mine – which requires a lot of trust on both of our parts. But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t encountered a ridiculous amount of dickishness in my pursuit of the perverse. Many, MANY of the men with whom I’ve discussed my submissive proclivities have taken it to mean that I have no say in what goes on, that I want to be degraded and humiliated, that I would like nothing better than to call them “Sir” or “Master” and have them cum all over my face while I say, “Please, sir, I’d like some more.” Not the case. Not the case at all. And none of those dicks have ever shared my bed, nor I theirs.

The person that asked the question seemed surprised that I’m submissive at all, in any aspect of my life. That’s because outside of the bedroom, I’m a total control freak and like to have everything go the way I want it to go, as quickly and smoothly as possible. I appear, on the surface, to be a woman who decides what she wants and then goes after it.

The control freak thing is no mystery. Ask any professional dom and he or she will tell you that many of their clients are people in a position of authority with a lot of decision-making on their shoulders. They come to the dom because, at least for the time that they’re with their dom, they don’t HAVE TO make all the decisions, and they can cut loose and be free of all of that, if only for a little while. I’m the same way.

I’m not a lifestyle submissive. I’ve no desire to live my life walking 10 paces behind my master, being told what to eat, what to wear, waiting for permission to speak. One guy actually had the idea that he could “break me.” (Never actually hook up with strangers on FetLife.) Clearly he was wrong (never slept with him, either, glad I met him at Starbucks and he doesn’t know my address – creeper); there is no way that I could ever live like that.


But sexually? First of all, despite my seemingly strong will, I’ve never once made the first move with any man. It probably has to do with my self esteem or something, making me feel like I’m automatically going to be rejected. So in that aspect, I need the presence of a more alpha partner to let me know they want me. Doesn’t matter how much I may want YOU, I’m never going to tell you that or make a move on you, you’re going to have to be the one to get the ball rolling.

sub shot candles

Which leads us to the bedroom sub thing. As I said, I’ve always needed the other person to make the first move. And that includes in the bedroom, and it’s been like that since my first boyfriend, back in the misty before-times. He let me know he wanted me, and I had to ask him what he wanted me to do. And the more he told me what he wanted, and how good it was making him feel that I was doing it just like he told me to do it, the hotter I got. Naturally, he didn’t tie me up or paddle me or anything that first time – having my virginity taken was enough of an awakening for that night. But I started fantasizing about him ordering me around in bed, and that put all kinds of other ideas in my head. He wasn’t into bondage or spanking, and eventually we split up. But by that time I was 18, which was the legal age in  NY, so I found myself going to clubs with my friends. One of those clubs turned out to be a BDSM club, similar to the current Paddles on 26th Street in Chelsea. And I swear to the gods, the moment I saw all those people finding such intense pleasure by giving themselves over to the ecstasy of the moment, combining pain and pleasure into something akin to sexual ambrosia, I felt like I’d come home.


I was chatted up by a seemingly nice guy at the bar, and I gave him my phone number. We met for drinks the next night, and he very openly explained the whole scene to me. He also told me that he wanted me, but that he would wait until I felt like I had developed enough trust in him to be able to submit willingly. We discussed boundaries and safe words and a lot of other things. A few weeks later, I was ready. And my life hasn’t been the same since. And no, there was nothing “50 Shades” about the whole conversation; no contracts, no non-disclosure agreements, nothing even remotely as creepy as that scene in the book or the movie.

So, why is it such a turn-on for me? One of the biggest reasons is that, by allowing my partner to take the lead, and to control the environment and the situation, it frees my head up from worrying about whether I’m attractive enough (especially naked – face it, ladies, we all have that hangup no matter how beautiful we may be). It’s clear from the beginning that the dominant partner wants you – he’s willing to tie you to the bed to keep and fuck you. Having myself bound hand and foot, immobile, a blindfold covering my eyes, and having such unadulterated trust in another person is probably the most exciting thing I can think of. I mean, the blindfold – not being able to see, AT ALL, and having your hands tied over your head so you can’t even move it to peek a little – allows your other senses to become so heightened that everything from the lightest tickle of a feather to clamps being tightened on your nipples feels 100 times more intense.

I cannot overstate how much I love to be blindfolded and tied up. There’s just nothing I can think of that’s more erotic, more scorchingly hot, than being helpless and blind and at the mercy of your partner, while they tease you with a feather, lightly run their fingertips over every inch of you, then run their tongue over every inch of you, and you can’t see it but oh my God you can feel it, feel it so much, and then they allow you your release, sometimes after impaling you hard and urgent, and the orgasm is mind blowing.

Yeah. Blindfolds.

blindfold orgasm

It’s certainly not about degradation and humiliation, yet I hear from so-called feminists all the time about how what I do in bed is a slap in the face to my “sisters,” my response to which is “Bitches, please.” Sexual freedom, the ability to fearlessly pursue what gives you your best orgasm, your most blissful copulation, doesn’t make you a bad feminist. If anything, it makes you a better one. I’ve never had a partner think it was okay to push past a safe word, or think it was okay to spit on me when I hadn’t consented to it, or do anything else that I wasn’t willing to try. It’s a singularly trusting kind of relationship, and the reality of it is, despite the fact that I may be tied up or otherwise immobilized, as the submissive party, I’m the one actually holding the control. Because I can call an end to any activity at any time, if I feel like I’m reaching my limit or I’ve gone beyond my limits.

It’s not about the pain either. I don’t object to paddling or spanking (not a fan of whips, though), because, when performed correctly, neither of those things inflicts overwhelming pain – they just heighten your senses more.



The bottom line is, I find it utterly liberating to let myself go to the farthest edges of my sexuality, and to be with someone I trust to go there with me. I don’t need to be tied up or wearing genital clamps to go there (although they are fun); with the right amount of trust in my partner, a “regular” sex session can turn into a rapturous experience, with no props at all. I love kissing, I could kiss for hours. I don’t need to be forced to do that, either. I don’t need to be forced to do anything. If it brings my partner pleasure to cuff me to the bed, or tie me to the table, or tease me to the very edge of orgasm and then pull back until I’m almost out of my mind with need, well, then, it gives me pleasure to pleasure him (or her, as the case may be). I find nothing more arousing than seeing my partner take pleasure in my body and in what he’s doing to it and in what we’re doing to each other.

So, there you have it, question guy. It’s exciting because it’s liberating, and intense, and it involves a deep level of trust, which is also liberating, since I don’t trust easily. To know that I can take myself all the way to the edge of the world, and to have someone there to make sure I don’t fall off? What could be sexier than that?