I’ve been asked in recent weeks why, as a submissive, I enjoy things like being forced to lick a dom’s feet, being whipped to the point of bleeding, having needles threaded through my skin for hours at a time, walking ten paces behind a dom, only speaking when directly spoken to…..
I don’t know whether to laugh at these questions, or feel shocked at the lack of knowledge so prevalent in the vanilla community. On the other hand, the part of me that wants to educate those who feel like BDSM or lifestyle submission might be something they’d like to explore.
Here’s the thing: I’m a submissive, but I am a bedroom submissive. I am not a lifestyle submissive, nor am I into torture. There’s a difference between the two, and there is so much misinformation out there.
Being a bedroom sub means that I am completely submissive to my dom during play time. It does NOT mean that I’m not allowed to choose my own dinner or to only speak when spoken to. Nor does it mean that I have no boundaries when it comes to the type of submission I’m willing to endure. We have a safe word. And we have “hard limits,” as that ridiculous book/movie would say. He or she can tie me up, tie me down, blindfold me, spank me, use a paddle, and many other things. I enjoy some pain, and I enjoy being dominated. It’s about what both of us enjoy, what brings both of us the most pleasure. It’s about pushing the boundaries and being willing to step outside of them, within limits that have been set in place prior to engaging with each other.
What being a bedroom sub does not mean is that I am a bad feminist, or that I am comfortable with my sexual kinks leaving the bedroom and entering the outside world. I am sexually submissive, not submissive in general. Many people who are not in the lifestyle are surprised that a woman with as strong a personality as mine would allow themselves to be bossed around in the bedroom. But the psychology of submission is an entirely different post, about which this post is definitely not.
Being a lifestyle submissive is a completely different story, although it still does not make the female sub someone who sees no value in feminism, nor does it make a male dom or sub disregard women’s rights. A lifestyle sub is willing to serve their dom in and out of the bedroom. It is, literally, a part of their life, including the household dynamic and actions and behaviors both inside and out of the house. It’s a lifestyle choice, choice being the operative word.
There should, of course, be open communication between the sub and the dom outside of their roles (I am by no means implying that a 24/7/D relationship is roleplay, nor am I using the word to diminish the relationship). Both parties have to continue their outside lives, like going to work and meeting other commitments. And compatibility is a huge factor in any S/D relationship, bedroom or lifestyle. Each party is giving so much of themselves to the other and expecting so much in return (yes, submissives have their own expectations). Saying “we’re both kinky so we’re definitely compatible” is the best way to fall into the trap that many a sub has tripped into. Trust and respect are necessary in any relationship. Lifestyle submission is not slavery.
Then there’s sadism.
I’ve never been involved in a relationship that involved sadism and masochism, and I don’t know a whole lot about the subject (anyone who is, please feel free to comment on this post to enlighten me as well as my readers). I wouldn’t pretend to explain this kink with any kind of depth, because it would only be crap I looked up on Google, and it would not do justice to the subject. What I do know is that sadism/masochism may involve blood play (which I engaged in with my last dom, but only the sharing of blood, not cutting me so that he could drink), scarification, whipping, and other acts that cause serious pain and leave permanent marks. It may also involve humiliation to the sub, suspension, needle play, scat (a completely different subject on its own), and other forms of torture. It includes many things that cause what many people who engage in vanilla sex probably find horrifying, but which give great pleasure to the sadist as well as the masochist. However, I must state again that both parties are consenting adults (or should be, but, again, that’s another post), and both parties enjoy either giving or receiving these things. It’s not about rape, as so many people like to tell me it is.
Some 24/7/D relationships, as well as bedroom relationships, may or may not incorporate some sadism/masochism into their play. Many do not. But the incorporation of pain into these relationships does not mean that the relationship is sadistic or masochistic.
As I said, I am not an expert on sadism/masochism, so I’m really not comfortable delving into any more detail on the subject. If you are familiar, please contact me and I will either invite you to write a guest post or work with you to write a post of my own (with credit to you, if you so desire). But I do know the differences in all three kinks.
Most of you know that I am all about spreading knowledge about sexual kinks and what they do or do not mean, which is why I wrote this post. I encourage you to disseminate the knowledge contained herein to educate those who are curious about them but do not understand the differences. Because I feel like, as long as these misconceptions are as prevalent as they currently are in the vanilla community, the longer those of us who embrace kink as part of their sexual preference will continue to be looked upon as freaks. And please understand that, when I say “vanilla,” I am in no way mocking those who do not engage in kink – although I’m pretty sure that most of those relationships include at least some kinkiness – but it’s the best word I know at the moment to describe that type of sex. I would never try to diminish the importance of anyone’s sexual preference.
So please, try to educate. It’s important that we are not ashamed of or forced to keep silent about what is an integral part of us. The more knowledge people have regarding sexual preferences, the less shame becomes attached to it for all concerned. Knowledge is power, and what hides in the dark dies in the light. Ignorance dies in the light.